study study study

i cannot believe that i am already at sec 4. it seems like it was yesterday that i came strolling in the school at the second day of orientation. naive of the occurences around me. insecure and uncomfortable on the inside, but trying to put up a good front.

looking back, i see that road where i trudged on seemed miles away yet i felt like i have been walking for just a few minutes. all the hardships, the obstacles, the adversaries, all the achievements, the successes, the goals that once were so trenchant now seem so inaudible, bedimmed and vague. once in a while i can't help but complain. the replies or so called encouragement i get are in general "oh it's not so bad! wait till you get to JC, wait till you get to U, wait till you are working, wait till you have your own kids, wait till Alzheimer comes along and starts eating you, wait till your in the local old folks home, hospital or asylum and die" continue on comparing your time with mine, but to me, nothing can beat the sweat of the present time, not even the past nor the future.

time then was so slow, but time is treacherous. you look at it up close it seems so insignificant. take a step back and get the whole picture into view, you will see that time is everything. it camouflages, it pretends, and when it goes for the kill, you will be petrified and shocked.

examinations that were dreaded came and went. projects were assigned, procrastinated upon and submitted incomplete. rules were implemented and broken. legions of friends and foes were created. teachers who triggered ambivalence in their leave had left without hesitation. quarrels and squabbles initiated, grew, and were solved. hatred were sowed, nurtured and weeded. infatuations bloomed and withered. it all happened in four years. in a blink of an eye, it is done.

we can reach both the zenith and nadir of an epoch within such limited time. however, we are not yet at the finish line. the banner marked "Ordinary Level Examination" is rising from the horizon. first a dot, then a distinct red icon growing larger as every day goes by. the main purpose of the secondary life. the last stride.

i see the crowd (teachers pressurizing at the most solemn stage) cheering and jumping, encouraging me to persist. though in reality they are screaming their heads off. i could not hear anyone of them. the world has gone into silent mode. i can comprehend their muted, lip synched words of wisdom, but none goes through my head. they are reflected by a virtual shield around my head called stubbornness a.k.a. complacency a.k.a. procrastination.

still, i know time is not at my side. i know the seriousness of the situation. i know the consequences at every turn i take. but i just cannot get my self to stay focus. there is a big difference between 'must' and 'can'. yes, i am scared and i am taking a leak on my pants. but i will get through this. i know i can. if i can set it all right. i will prevail. by hook or by crook i will.

i see the gold medal. on it three characters are engraved; 7A1

after that, then what?
somebody fill me in